Things I don't necessarily understand.

-Why people defend expressing opinions, yet put down those who have opinions conflicting their own.

-Why I can't seem to like a guy that actually considers me "good enough."

-And why I'm not good enough for those that see me as "not good enough."

-Politics.

-Pre Cal and most of Spanish III.

-Why I am (obviously) so stupid.

-The point of taking time to fill out a scholarship application that I will probably be rejected for.

-My low self-esteem.

-And just about everything else I failed to mention.

I hate that people have a sense pride.
I don't have much of it, and for that I am grateful.
Because it's probably the most pompous, ridiculous, and unnecessary human trait.
Being proud about an accomplishment or something is one thing, but to be so proud that it inhibits a person from realizing that he/she is wrong about everything he/she does and/or that he/she is too good to figure out his/her shit really irritates me to the point where I wish certain people didn't exist.
I know when to admit that I am wrong or that I need help. Some people don't because they are too "proud."
I really don't get that.
Does that make sense?
If it does, someone PLEASE explain to me this idea of "pride."

Poor Heath.

This semester is going to kick my ass. My teachers and classes are, without a doubt, less interesting and no where near as fun as the ones I had first semester. They're just as hard, and probably harder. Fantastic.

Heath Ledger died. As sad as it usually is, the death of a celebrity ammuses me. I guess it's because ordinary, not famous people have the mindset that celebs are immortal. It's really almost unreal when one dies. But don't get me wrong - it is still devastating. Rest in peace, Hottie Heath. Rest in peace.

I wish I knew what to tell my best friend right now.

No remembero anythingo from spanish uno o dos. The preterite and imperfect tenses may as well not even exist, because I sure as hell do not/will not remember them. Ever.

I feel bad. I'm not sure if I was right to call him an asshole. It's not like it's a complete stretch to say that, but actually calling someone that type of thing pretty much puts me into the category as well.
Eh. Whatever. I was pretty much labeled that (and plenty of other things) about two months ago. What goes around comes around, I guess.

There are no cute boys that are actually worth it in any of my classes. Sad.

I have a new obsession with Hydroxycut. Except Melanie thought I was buying a pregnancy test. Hahahahahahaahaha. If only she knew how incredibly WRONG she was.

Everyone likes my haircut.
Well, my bang-cut.
*smiles*

I love working out with Ashley.

And now I get to spend an hour in therapy. I feel like I shouldn't even be going, really. Almost like I'm wasting her time.

This might be pathetic. But I don't care.

Speak, speak your mind.

You're always telling me I need to open mine.

And wait, wait your turn,

Then shut me out 'cause you've got nothing left to learn.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud.

So tell me what you love and say it loud.

Now here's the dose that you've been dishin' out.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

Oh, I'm wrong,

I'm wrong again.

But not because of where I stand, but where I've been.

And it burns, you know it burns like hell

To know there's nothing I can do but wish you well.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud,

So tell me what you love and say it loud.

I've been good enough to stay and hear you out,

But you're wrong.

You're never wrong.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud,

Yeah so tell me what you love and say it loud.

I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

For the longest time now I've avoided thinking and talking about the mess that makes me feel low. In a way I think I haven't had enough time to analyze and deal with everything. But now that I do I can't help but turn to my preconscience and start to think about those things again.

I mean it's kind of hard to not think, you know? I go to my psychologist every other week and talk about stuff with her, I tell my friends what's on my mind, and every freakin' thing just happens to remind me of the crap that makes me feel like, well, crap.

Especially one thing in particular.

Which is where the (above) song comes in. It came on my iPod as we were coming home from Greensboro (yeah, we actually went), and I hesitated to listen to it at first. But I let it play and did nothing but look out the window at the gray skies, wet highway, and snow-covered trees and listened to the lyrics.

And I had an epiphany.

I've heard this song a hundred times but I've never actually understood the meaning behind the words. But this time I did. It may sound stupid, but in my mind Mr. John Mayer was singing for me - as me. It's as if he dug into my unconscience and wrote this absolutely gorgeous song that perfectly describes my feelings because I couldn't put them into words myself.

Until today I was confused.

And I'm still confused. Only less.

Because it hurts. It hurt a lot, it still hurts, and it will probably always hurt to some extent. I've accepted that. However that hurt is slowly subsiding.

At the end of November I was miserable. I had a one-track mind. School had become pointless. I was moody and constantly tired due to a lack of sleep. I had a huge loss in appetite, and all I felt like doing was drinking and passing out. I denied every negative explanation that crossed my mind and tried to supress my negative emotions and keep "living."

Then came what I consider(ed) the worst night of my life. Then I had an emotional/mental break-down. For a week straight I came home from school and cried for hours on end. I couldn't help but beat myself up for what I had managed to do to myself and the one person that made me happier than anything else in the world.

Now, two months later, I realize that all the negativity I have experienced has ultimately helped me to mature. I've stopped placing all the blame on myself. I can comfortably say (or write) that it hurts, but I wasn't the only one in the wrong; that it's hard to accept the fact that I couldn't change that person's mind by apologizing over and over and over again and that I will never be able to change his feelings - but I've done all I can do, and if that's not enough, then oh well. It sucks knowing that all I can do now is be happy for that person, even if I'm not one of the reasons for his happiness. I can't keep making excuses for him or for myself. I've just got to accept it. Granted, that is so much easier said than done. But I've come this far, haven't I?

It's funny how easy it is to spill your heart out, and when you do that, you risk being completely heartbroken. And once you are heartbroken you can't help but still feel the way you did. Emotions like that don't just go away.

And I hate that. But I'm stronger because of it. I can honestly say that I want happiness for that person. I always have, and I always will, even if it means giving up my happiness.

Only, I'm finally starting to remember what it's like to be happy.

And that is probably the most amazing accomplishment I have ever known.

I haven't updated in forever.

• First semester is finally over. It's sad, though. I had the best teachers I've ever had ever. And my new classes suck.
• Smith described my Huck Finn paper as "brilliant" and "insightful." I was shocked. I thought it was crap. It is really nice to hear that about a piece of my writing, though. I really needed a self-esteem boost. But I think I failed his exam. Oh well.
• Ash and I have started "training" for the season. Super fun. I couldn't move earlier this week. But now I can, and I feel good about myself. We're so excited for softball. God. It really can't get here soon enough.
• Viral's party was fun. I got to see my Berto :). I missed him so much. I saw B-Rooney, too. We caught up. It was nice. Except then someone spilled something and I think her computer crashed. I don't know. Lindsey M. and I left after that.
• I've been a lot happier lately. For the most part, anyway. Hopefully it stays that way.
• Ashley cut my bangs. Me gusta.
• It better snow tomorrow. I was supposed to go to Greensboro and see my God-brother thing. If it doesn't do anything, I'll be pissed. Really, really pissed.
• I'm still confused about of a lot of stuff. That'll probably never end, though. I may as well accept it.
• Joseph and I are still married and in love. It's fantastic :).
• I can't wait til EOE. But I bet I'll get sick and lose my voice.
• I can't think of anything else to write.

Resolutions

1. Less bitchiness/irritability/judgementalness/etc.
2. Be happy
3. Get motivated
4. Lose weight. Get fast. Get stronger. Play second base like Pedroia only not.
5. Keep my GPA above a 4.0 - lose premature Senioritus.
6. VOLUNTEER HOURS
7. Spend more time con mi familia
8. Be friendlier towards people i don't know. Form new relationships. Strengethen old ones.
9. More water. Less diet coke.
10. Propose to Jon Scheyer.

Should be a fun year.
Happy 2008.