Perfection

Me.
On a beach.
Under the sun.
Listening to the waves.
Feeling the wind.
Nothing on my mind.
With my best friend.
One week.

Reflecting.

Junior year is three and a half days away from being over.
Thank God.
All I can say is that this year has had more downs than ups. If I could go back to the day before my first day as a freshman, I would tell myself the following things in order to prevent these downs:

1. Try not to catch Senioritus during the first semester of Junior year. This might be hard, considering your AP Psych class will consist of 4 juniors and about 37 seniors, but it will prevent your soon-to-come apathetic attitude and that C you won't be able to pull up to a B in Pre-Cal.
2. Avoid breaking up with him at your 15th birthday party 10 minutes into your "relationship" because you're "still having a hard time with your last break up." Also avoid being a complete bitch to him your entire sophomore year just because he is a freshman. You will not actually know what a "hard time" is until the November of 2007. At that point in time you will regret everything you have ever done to mess it up. Preventing all of this will save you several months of misery, heartbreak, tears, and psychological therapy (Yes, you will actually start seeing a psychologist. You never thought you'd be the type of person to become depressed, but you are.).
3. Be more confident. Speak up in psychology. Ask more questions in pre-cal. Read your APES book for once. Don't slack.
4. Go back to your trainer before softball season starts. A little more muscle will probably cause that double you got in Knightdale to go over the fence instead of hitting the top of it.
5. Accept that fact now that, even though you thought it could never happen, some people are going to change. They will become more arrogant, distant, and your relationships with these people will become more strained - and there's not a whole lot you can do about it. You can try to convince yourself that it is a phase and they'll go back to their old selves eventually, but they won't. Upon accepting these changes, you'll be able to move on with yourself and your life. Worrying about them will only make you more miserable and "pissy." Live for yourself and not the people that make you feel like shit. You don't deserve that, and they don't deserve you.
6. On the same note, you're going to change as well. Some things will become more important to you, and the importance of other things will diminish with time. You're going to experience things that you aren't proud of, but it's all part of growing up. Don't let the fights you and your mother get into upset you. Dr. Walter says it's actually normal for a daughter to disagree with her mother so she can become her own person. Remember, however, that your mother is an amazing woman, and that you probably don't deserve half of what she has done for you. Junior year will teach you to not like yourself. Don't allow that. Consider this year a learning experience.

There were some positives, however:
1. Our softball team went the farthest it has ever gone in Riverside history. We claimed the Pac-6 title, made it to the Final-Four, claimed the Eastern Regional Championship title, and ended up third in the state. The season was so long - February 12th to May 31st - but it's hard to believe it's already over. My dad told me last night that he felt empty because it had ended yesterday morning, and I realized that I did too. I'll never get to play with Jenn Ladd, Amanda Rothwell, Chelsea Taylor, or Christie Thomas ever again, and next year will definitely not be as successful. But we all faced so much adversity during the season and managed to pull through and get so far. We got it done. We set our goal and accomplished it. We became a family. It's hard to come down from that hype.
2. I have some amazing friends. That's really all I know how to say. This year has taught me to love everyone, but trust very few, and the ones I can trust are the best in the world.
3. I now know that I am ready for change. I'm not going to rush my last year of high school by any means, but I cannot wait to go to college. Giving up life in Durham won't be easy, but it's something I feel needs to be done. I've decided that, if I am accepted to JMU, I am going there. Far away (but not too far), and different. And that excites me.

My birthday is Wednesday. I'll be 17. We have a game that night. But I don't think half of people I consider "friends" care about me enough to actually come support the team I'm on or recognize the fact that it will be my birthday. I also think that some of the "friends" I would break my back for wouldn't necessarily do the same for me. It might just be my opinion, but once you make a commitment (to come watch your so-called friend play on her BIRTHDAY) you should stick to it. But I guess I'm just not worth that much. Actually, I don't think I'm worth anything to certain people. However, that just allows me appreciate the people that actually do care about me more. Make sense?

Anyway.
The more I think about it, the more I really like JMU. It's far away. It's pretty. There are lots of super hot guys there. I really hope I get in next year.

I met Cathryn's boyfriend earlier. He's really cute and sweet. I'm happy for her. I wish I could find someone like that.

I am so excited for Prom. Everything better work out.

Courtney's here.

Bullets

• We are currently 5-0.
  
• I'm ready for Spring Break. And prom. And summer.
• And college. I'm visiting UVA and James Madison University soon. Exciting.
• I think I'm sinking back into a depressed state.
• I miss him and what we used to have, what we used to be. I wish I knew what happened. I wish I could go back and change whatever I messed up. It's hard accepting the idea that we just changed. I still think that somehow, someway, we are meant to be together at some point in our lives. I just kind of wish that would happen right now.
• And on that note, I've never felt more lonely than I have recently.
• And I realize that wishing is pretty pointless.
• I love the tanning bed. If I end up with melanoma, then I guess it'll be worth it - because I look damn good.
• Well, at least I'm not as pale and sickly-looking as I used to be.
  
• My GPA is going to sink this quarter. Fantastic.
• Yo necesito estudiar para APES. Gross.
  

Males are extremely unreliable.

My new defense mechanism that has, so far, seemed to work out pretty well for me = Be a Bitch.

That is the only way I can seem to prevent things from getting to me as easily as they usually do.

Bull.

I refuse to lose my starting position on Riverside's Varsity Softball team to a girl that has been there for a week and "earns" a spot in about an hour. No. I have worked way too hard the past two years to get where I currently am, starting in the infield, AS A SOPHOMORE, to be bumped to left bench the minute someone else shows up. I've played with her before. She's good, and maybe it's a blessing that she came - but her attitude SUCKS. She thinks she's all that and a bag of chips, and she definitely isn't. She causes SO much drama, and her Mama is possibly the most obnoxious woman I have ever known.

It's bullshit. Complete. Bullshit. End of story.

And I probably wouldn't have such an issue with this if
1. She hadn't been such a BITCH when I ATTEMPTED to be NICE to her, responding to my sweet little "Hey (name)" with a "Hi" and a bitchy little "Don't associate with me" face.
and
2. My FATHER actually kind of SYMPATHIZED with me and didn't imply that she'll probably deserve more playing time than I do because she's better. I don't need the "This is higher level softball, Lindsey," or "How hard you've worked in the past doesn't guarantee your spot this year," crap. I mean I'm not stupid. I understand that I have to earn my playing time and I plan on doing that. But having someone roll up and threaten one's starting spot after working one's ass off for almost three years in a matter of a day is hard to accept. Is that so ridiculous?

I'm not so sure I'm excited for this season anymore. And that really sucks.