I guess it's gonna have to hurt.

I looked up the definition for "heart-broken" on Google and got this: Full of sorrow.

Well, okay. I guess I can officially be described as heart-broken.
But that definition fails to mention everything else.
Full of regret.
Full of dismay.
Full of doubt.
Full of confusion.
Full of unfocused-ness.
Full of tears.
Full of irritation.
Full of fear.
Full of unsatisfaction.
Just plain Full of it.

I messed up. Big time. I am miserable and I am probably going to be miserable forever, and I am the only one to blame. That hurts. I'm not sure what was meant by a lot that was said. That hurts, too. But knowing that, no matter what I do or say, things probably won't change, or they will change for the worst - that hurts the most.

For the most part, I did pretty well at keeping my mind off of everything today. But every time it crossed my mind, a huge pang of some uncomfortable and horrible feeling jolted my body. It feels almost like butterflies and a huge lump in my throat, but my body temperature drops. And the only word I can label it as is "pain."

I can't eat - I've dropped three or four pounds since Monday night. I can't sleep. I cannot focus on anything but this - how it happened, how I could maybe fix the situation, figuring out the context of what was said.

And it's all my fault.
That kills me.
The way that sentence was phrased.
That kills me.
I almost believe that it wasn't meant 100 percent.
But I am probably just kidding myself.
That kills me.
I've apologized. Begged. It almost seems desperate. And knowing that it probably didn't make a difference - that kills me most.

So much was left unsaid - at least I think there was.
I can't imagine myself without, well, him. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. My thoughts are so jumbled that I can barely put them on here.

And the sad part? I'm hopeful that it will work out in the end. I truly believe in it. I meant what I said. Hopefully he realizes that and doesn't disregard it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Thanksgiving

I have forgotten to take time and reflect on the "actual" meaning of Thanksgiving due to everything I have been so preoccupied with.

• First of all, I am thankful for the family I have. In a lot of ways I really don't deserve the patience and love that they've given me the past 16 and a half years of my life. Last night was a good example as to how I can go to them for absolutely anything and know that they won't shoot me down or change their perception of me. They do so much for me, and for that I am truly grateful.
• Secondly, I am thankful for the friendships I've made - especially the one I share with the best friend I've had for sixish years. I know that I can go to her for anything at any time, and hopefully she knows that goes the same for her. She means so much to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't met her in middle school.
• I am thankful for the country I live in and the freedoms I have.
• I am thankful for the free education I get five days a week and the amazing teachers that educate me.
• I am thankful for God. Granted, I'm definately not the most religious person ever, but it's nice to know I have someone to turn to when things get really really bad.
• I am thankful to be alive and healthy.
• I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food in our refrigerator, and the clean water that comes out of the faucet.
• And I am thankful for the one person that drives me crazy. I like knowing I have the emotional capacity for feeling this strongly about someone. It terrifies me, but caring for a person this much is a pretty amazing feeling, whether or not they feel the same way. (God I'm stupid.)
• Oh, and Jospeh. I am thankful for him too.

I don't get it.

Karma is a bitch.


I get it, Karma. Stop making me miserable. I'm sorry for the things I've done in the past, and I promise I won't make the same mistakes again. I've learned my lesson. Just stop it.

My father thinks I am becoming anorexic.
It's ridiculous. If there is an anti-anorexic entity of some kind out there, like the Anti-Christ, I am it. I have lost weight since school started, and I like it that way. And I'm going to continue to keep it that way. But I am not anorexic, and I'm pretty sure I'm not falling into the deep, dark, death-trap that is anorexia.
He should be happy about my weight-loss. After continually pressuring me into losing weight so that I can be faster this season, I finally will be.

I give up.



Ehh that's a lie.

Guess what.

I AM GOING TO SEE UNC'S ACHORDANTS IN AN HOUURRR :)
With Cat, which makes it even better.

And Sirens is gonna be really good in the show tomorrow. I can taste it.

And Esther and I saw these two white guys beat the crap out of each other in the Cook Out parking lot about half an hour ago. Yeah. They ran out of two really nice cars and jumped on each other and started rolling on the ground. We just kind of sat there and watched and ate chicken tenders and didn't really say much. Then we rolled down the window, and this girl who was probably the reason for the fight was trying to stop these huge white guys from fighting. They stopped, started again, and she screamed "FXCKING STOP!" I felt like I was watching the Durham version of the OC or something.

Fantastic experience.
One guy left the other guy's shirt in the middle of the road though.
Should've picked it up and taken it home.

I wish people would give me some kind of warning before they start hanging all over each other.
Ahem.
That kind of thing makes me wish I didn't have emotions.

Scratch that.

I am putting off the plan I devised in the previous blog.

Right now I need to remember that I am a strong person.
I don't deserve to be upset.
I do not deserve to put up with the shit I am getting on a daily basis.

I should be happy. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and how am I experiencing them?

Let's just say I kind of wish I wasn't.

Clever Title Goes Here.

I've decided that I am going to start having a new outlook on life and the situations I encounter.

1. Instead of dreading work, I am going to embrace the fact that I am learning the art of responsibility and becoming an adult in the process. I will take it hour for hour and be satisfied with what I've done once my shift is over. I will also look foward to what lies ahead of me once I am done working. Once I get off tonight at 8, for instance, I will take joy in knowing that I don't have to work until next Sunday.
2. I am going to try to have a good attitude towards everything. Actually reading each page of each chapter and taking notes for psych will possibly boost my 85 to maybe an 86. I will not say mean things behind about my educators for giving me an extra homework assignment that will further enlighten and help me in the long run. Getting a B is okay. Instead of putting myself down, I will take the SAT score that I get back in a few weeks and work to raise it so that I can get into Elon and become an English major. I will begin to understand that my parents do what they do for a reason and don't intentionally try to piss me off.
3. I will be more sympathetic and understanding. It's okay that he didn't call because he has other obligations and so do I. Maybe she is having a bad day and that is the reason she is being a bitch, so I'll just be nice. I will accept that everyone has issues and I will then be there to lend a helping hand. I will be more patient with the people I love, despite the fact that I expect more from them.
4. I will not be so quick to judge. Of course, I have become much better at this since middle school. But I will learn to love everyone for their strengths AND weaknesses. Etc.
5. Optimism will become part of my daily lifestyle. Instead of viewing the glass as half empty, it will now be half full.
6. I will cherish every moment with my parents and brother and strive to strengthen my relationship with them.
7. Talking down about someone does not make myself look or feel better.
8. My work ethic will go back to what it was first semester freshman year - really high. I will not procrastinate as much as I currently do.
9. My self-esteem will no longer be as low as it is. I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I am a strong young woman. I don't need to be told that I am beautiful to feel beautiful. I will work hard to improve at everything. I should make myself happy before trying to impress someone else. I will love my body, mind, and spirit for what they are and not what I want them to be.
10. Finally - everything happens for a reason. Plain and simple. I will not overanalyze every situation I am put in, therefore making me miserable. I will not let things get me down as much as I used to. I will just accept them and let them go. I will learn from my mistakes and live each day to its fullest potential.

I wish I could describe the plethora of emotions I have experienced lately.
But if I had to list them, I guess I would say that I'm overwhelmed, stressed, unsure, and mostly just confused (Granted I do have the occassional feel-good day, but that doesn't happen so much anymore. I feel like the other day was a fluke, especially since the "burden" that left me came back the very same night.).

I think confusion is one of the worst things someone can feel. It sucks to not know what's going on, to not know how or what to think, and especially to not know how or what someone else thinks.

Especially when one's emotional state depends on the intentions and feelings of another person.

Maybe I'm just stupid and think too much.
No, that's a definate thing.

And I wish I didn't complain as much as I do.

Maybe I'll write more later. I have to go submerge myself into the world of the working class.
Great.

Overanalyzing isn't always such a bad thing

I am in a fantastic mood. And the great thing? That wasn't sarcastic at all. I haven't felt this relieved and just plain good in SUCH a long time. I feel like some type of heavy burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and now i can finally breathe again or something. It's an amazing feeling. And the thing that sparked it? Cat and I being pure geniuses, that's what.

We had to analyze the deeper meaning of something today in English, like a fairy tale, so Cat and I decided to analyze Snow White. Here's what we came up with (as simply as i can put it):

• The seven dwarves are the seven deadly sins: Happy = Gluttony because he's fat. Grumpy = Wrath because he's angry all the time. Dopey = Greed because, in the movie, Dopey makes a huge ruckous when trying to leave the house by taking a lot of stuff with him. Remember? Bashful = Lust for obvious reasons. Doc = Pride because he's the oldest and stuff, and Sneezy = Envy because he was left over.
• Snow White = Jesus.
• Snow White's evil step mother witch thing = The Romans who kill Jesus. They were jealous of Jesus' power and everyone's affinity towards him, so they kill him. In the same sense, SW's step mom is jealous of her for the same reasons. So she kills her.
• SW living with the 7 dwarves represents Jesus living among sinners
• SW dies and is brought back by the Prince's kiss.
• Jesus is resurrected.
• Prince = God's love. SW didn't know the Prince loved her, yet it brought her back. God's love isn't necessarily known, but it is there (if you follow the Christian religion, as we do, which is why we're making that assumption), and God's love brought Jesus back to life(plus or minus a few things that I don't remember from Sunday School).
• Poison apple = Pontius Pilate.

It took us like half an hour to come up with this, but we had the most amazing epiphany and we now we're just kinda like "And what? Suck on that."

Plus it feels like heaven outside, I don't have that much homework, and my psych test on memory and thinking and language is over with forever! I'm listening to good music, and I just don't care about certain things right now. This is the kind of day that helps me remember why being alive is such a great thing. I probably sound like a Hallmark Card.

I don't care. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I will kill the person or thing that brings me down.

Possibly the only positive thing associated with UNC

Of course I am a little biased because I'm a big Duke person. But that is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard. And they're like 20 minutes up the road. I have to see them live.

Have to.

Ugh.

I like bullets now

• Daylight Savings Time always messes me up.
• I had a weird dream last night.
• Ron White makes me laugh.
• It's only 8:15. WHAT.
• I'm probably going to go to bed anyway.
• I love cold weather. I'm ready for New Years Eve.
• Because I realllllyyy wanna get wasted.
• Wait, what Lindsey?
• I'm excited for our 3 day weekend this coming weekend. I need to party.
• Our show is soon. Yikes.
• I've managed to have a one-track mind lately. My work ethic is slipping and I only care about one thing. Uh oh.
• We get report cards tomorrow. Uh oh.
• I can't get over the dream I had last night.
• Yeah I'm going to bed riiiight now

I just want to go to sleep and never have to get out of bed ever again.

• I'm hella nervous about taking the SAT tomorrow. Why? I'm not so sure. I'll probably end up taking it at least two more times. But I am freaking out, because that's what I do best.
• School is getting to be a bitch again. I have so much to do. So much is going on. I'm going to melt into a little puddle of stress before it's all over with.
• I'm on four different meds right now for bronchitis and mneumonia. All I want to do is sleep.
• I don't think I've touched a softball in 2 weeks.
• I'm getting bad vibes from him. It really scares me. I'm terrified of being let down again. I can't handle that right now - or at all anymore. But I'm too nervous to speak up and ask because I'll probably make things worse. I'm trying so hard and I'm not getting that back and I DON'T know what to do.
• I miss the way things used to be.
• Girls get on my nerves. I'm paranoid.
• I barely eat anymore.
• I need volunteer hours, but I have no time to get them.
• Our show is two weeks away.
• I honestly feel like I'm about to yank my hair out.
• I work too much on the weekends.
• I need reassuring that he still feels the same way, or that i should stop trying. I need to know what I'm going to get on the SAT. I need to get out of the 11th grade before I go insane. I need to not be sick anymore. I need to stop working and have time to myself.
• I feel like a selfish, stupid, bitchy person because my problems are no where near as bad as some people I know. I really don't have that much respect for myself anymore.

Baseball IS a Sport

It bothers the crap out of me when people actually work up enough of a nerve to say "Baseball is boring." That is an understandable and arguable opinion, however, and I can respect that much. What REALLY gives me the urge to smack someone's face off, though, is someone actually saying "Baseball is not a sport." How can someone seriously make that argument and support it well enough to prove themselves?
They can't. I'll elaborate when I have more time.