I guess it's gonna have to hurt.

I looked up the definition for "heart-broken" on Google and got this: Full of sorrow.

Well, okay. I guess I can officially be described as heart-broken.
But that definition fails to mention everything else.
Full of regret.
Full of dismay.
Full of doubt.
Full of confusion.
Full of unfocused-ness.
Full of tears.
Full of irritation.
Full of fear.
Full of unsatisfaction.
Just plain Full of it.

I messed up. Big time. I am miserable and I am probably going to be miserable forever, and I am the only one to blame. That hurts. I'm not sure what was meant by a lot that was said. That hurts, too. But knowing that, no matter what I do or say, things probably won't change, or they will change for the worst - that hurts the most.

For the most part, I did pretty well at keeping my mind off of everything today. But every time it crossed my mind, a huge pang of some uncomfortable and horrible feeling jolted my body. It feels almost like butterflies and a huge lump in my throat, but my body temperature drops. And the only word I can label it as is "pain."

I can't eat - I've dropped three or four pounds since Monday night. I can't sleep. I cannot focus on anything but this - how it happened, how I could maybe fix the situation, figuring out the context of what was said.

And it's all my fault.
That kills me.
The way that sentence was phrased.
That kills me.
I almost believe that it wasn't meant 100 percent.
But I am probably just kidding myself.
That kills me.
I've apologized. Begged. It almost seems desperate. And knowing that it probably didn't make a difference - that kills me most.

So much was left unsaid - at least I think there was.
I can't imagine myself without, well, him. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. My thoughts are so jumbled that I can barely put them on here.

And the sad part? I'm hopeful that it will work out in the end. I truly believe in it. I meant what I said. Hopefully he realizes that and doesn't disregard it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.