Perfection

Me.
On a beach.
Under the sun.
Listening to the waves.
Feeling the wind.
Nothing on my mind.
With my best friend.
One week.

Reflecting.

Junior year is three and a half days away from being over.
Thank God.
All I can say is that this year has had more downs than ups. If I could go back to the day before my first day as a freshman, I would tell myself the following things in order to prevent these downs:

1. Try not to catch Senioritus during the first semester of Junior year. This might be hard, considering your AP Psych class will consist of 4 juniors and about 37 seniors, but it will prevent your soon-to-come apathetic attitude and that C you won't be able to pull up to a B in Pre-Cal.
2. Avoid breaking up with him at your 15th birthday party 10 minutes into your "relationship" because you're "still having a hard time with your last break up." Also avoid being a complete bitch to him your entire sophomore year just because he is a freshman. You will not actually know what a "hard time" is until the November of 2007. At that point in time you will regret everything you have ever done to mess it up. Preventing all of this will save you several months of misery, heartbreak, tears, and psychological therapy (Yes, you will actually start seeing a psychologist. You never thought you'd be the type of person to become depressed, but you are.).
3. Be more confident. Speak up in psychology. Ask more questions in pre-cal. Read your APES book for once. Don't slack.
4. Go back to your trainer before softball season starts. A little more muscle will probably cause that double you got in Knightdale to go over the fence instead of hitting the top of it.
5. Accept that fact now that, even though you thought it could never happen, some people are going to change. They will become more arrogant, distant, and your relationships with these people will become more strained - and there's not a whole lot you can do about it. You can try to convince yourself that it is a phase and they'll go back to their old selves eventually, but they won't. Upon accepting these changes, you'll be able to move on with yourself and your life. Worrying about them will only make you more miserable and "pissy." Live for yourself and not the people that make you feel like shit. You don't deserve that, and they don't deserve you.
6. On the same note, you're going to change as well. Some things will become more important to you, and the importance of other things will diminish with time. You're going to experience things that you aren't proud of, but it's all part of growing up. Don't let the fights you and your mother get into upset you. Dr. Walter says it's actually normal for a daughter to disagree with her mother so she can become her own person. Remember, however, that your mother is an amazing woman, and that you probably don't deserve half of what she has done for you. Junior year will teach you to not like yourself. Don't allow that. Consider this year a learning experience.

There were some positives, however:
1. Our softball team went the farthest it has ever gone in Riverside history. We claimed the Pac-6 title, made it to the Final-Four, claimed the Eastern Regional Championship title, and ended up third in the state. The season was so long - February 12th to May 31st - but it's hard to believe it's already over. My dad told me last night that he felt empty because it had ended yesterday morning, and I realized that I did too. I'll never get to play with Jenn Ladd, Amanda Rothwell, Chelsea Taylor, or Christie Thomas ever again, and next year will definitely not be as successful. But we all faced so much adversity during the season and managed to pull through and get so far. We got it done. We set our goal and accomplished it. We became a family. It's hard to come down from that hype.
2. I have some amazing friends. That's really all I know how to say. This year has taught me to love everyone, but trust very few, and the ones I can trust are the best in the world.
3. I now know that I am ready for change. I'm not going to rush my last year of high school by any means, but I cannot wait to go to college. Giving up life in Durham won't be easy, but it's something I feel needs to be done. I've decided that, if I am accepted to JMU, I am going there. Far away (but not too far), and different. And that excites me.

My birthday is Wednesday. I'll be 17. We have a game that night. But I don't think half of people I consider "friends" care about me enough to actually come support the team I'm on or recognize the fact that it will be my birthday. I also think that some of the "friends" I would break my back for wouldn't necessarily do the same for me. It might just be my opinion, but once you make a commitment (to come watch your so-called friend play on her BIRTHDAY) you should stick to it. But I guess I'm just not worth that much. Actually, I don't think I'm worth anything to certain people. However, that just allows me appreciate the people that actually do care about me more. Make sense?

Anyway.
The more I think about it, the more I really like JMU. It's far away. It's pretty. There are lots of super hot guys there. I really hope I get in next year.

I met Cathryn's boyfriend earlier. He's really cute and sweet. I'm happy for her. I wish I could find someone like that.

I am so excited for Prom. Everything better work out.

Courtney's here.

Bullets

• We are currently 5-0.
  
• I'm ready for Spring Break. And prom. And summer.
• And college. I'm visiting UVA and James Madison University soon. Exciting.
• I think I'm sinking back into a depressed state.
• I miss him and what we used to have, what we used to be. I wish I knew what happened. I wish I could go back and change whatever I messed up. It's hard accepting the idea that we just changed. I still think that somehow, someway, we are meant to be together at some point in our lives. I just kind of wish that would happen right now.
• And on that note, I've never felt more lonely than I have recently.
• And I realize that wishing is pretty pointless.
• I love the tanning bed. If I end up with melanoma, then I guess it'll be worth it - because I look damn good.
• Well, at least I'm not as pale and sickly-looking as I used to be.
  
• My GPA is going to sink this quarter. Fantastic.
• Yo necesito estudiar para APES. Gross.
  

Males are extremely unreliable.

My new defense mechanism that has, so far, seemed to work out pretty well for me = Be a Bitch.

That is the only way I can seem to prevent things from getting to me as easily as they usually do.

Bull.

I refuse to lose my starting position on Riverside's Varsity Softball team to a girl that has been there for a week and "earns" a spot in about an hour. No. I have worked way too hard the past two years to get where I currently am, starting in the infield, AS A SOPHOMORE, to be bumped to left bench the minute someone else shows up. I've played with her before. She's good, and maybe it's a blessing that she came - but her attitude SUCKS. She thinks she's all that and a bag of chips, and she definitely isn't. She causes SO much drama, and her Mama is possibly the most obnoxious woman I have ever known.

It's bullshit. Complete. Bullshit. End of story.

And I probably wouldn't have such an issue with this if
1. She hadn't been such a BITCH when I ATTEMPTED to be NICE to her, responding to my sweet little "Hey (name)" with a "Hi" and a bitchy little "Don't associate with me" face.
and
2. My FATHER actually kind of SYMPATHIZED with me and didn't imply that she'll probably deserve more playing time than I do because she's better. I don't need the "This is higher level softball, Lindsey," or "How hard you've worked in the past doesn't guarantee your spot this year," crap. I mean I'm not stupid. I understand that I have to earn my playing time and I plan on doing that. But having someone roll up and threaten one's starting spot after working one's ass off for almost three years in a matter of a day is hard to accept. Is that so ridiculous?

I'm not so sure I'm excited for this season anymore. And that really sucks.

If I could describe yesterday's events in one word it would have to be "wow."
Just wow.

New classes aren't terrible.
But I hate the work load.

Softball season has got me super nervous.

I'll probably get sick sometime during the next two weeks.

The scholarship application I should be filling out is a waste of my time.

I wish I could figure out and explain the way I feel and then actually believe what I say.

No quiero ir al trabajo manana.

I met a super cute guy today.
Gooooood God Almighty.
Him, on the otherhand, yo quiero.
Mucho. Mucho.

I don't sleep much anymore.

Things I don't necessarily understand.

-Why people defend expressing opinions, yet put down those who have opinions conflicting their own.

-Why I can't seem to like a guy that actually considers me "good enough."

-And why I'm not good enough for those that see me as "not good enough."

-Politics.

-Pre Cal and most of Spanish III.

-Why I am (obviously) so stupid.

-The point of taking time to fill out a scholarship application that I will probably be rejected for.

-My low self-esteem.

-And just about everything else I failed to mention.

I hate that people have a sense pride.
I don't have much of it, and for that I am grateful.
Because it's probably the most pompous, ridiculous, and unnecessary human trait.
Being proud about an accomplishment or something is one thing, but to be so proud that it inhibits a person from realizing that he/she is wrong about everything he/she does and/or that he/she is too good to figure out his/her shit really irritates me to the point where I wish certain people didn't exist.
I know when to admit that I am wrong or that I need help. Some people don't because they are too "proud."
I really don't get that.
Does that make sense?
If it does, someone PLEASE explain to me this idea of "pride."

Poor Heath.

This semester is going to kick my ass. My teachers and classes are, without a doubt, less interesting and no where near as fun as the ones I had first semester. They're just as hard, and probably harder. Fantastic.

Heath Ledger died. As sad as it usually is, the death of a celebrity ammuses me. I guess it's because ordinary, not famous people have the mindset that celebs are immortal. It's really almost unreal when one dies. But don't get me wrong - it is still devastating. Rest in peace, Hottie Heath. Rest in peace.

I wish I knew what to tell my best friend right now.

No remembero anythingo from spanish uno o dos. The preterite and imperfect tenses may as well not even exist, because I sure as hell do not/will not remember them. Ever.

I feel bad. I'm not sure if I was right to call him an asshole. It's not like it's a complete stretch to say that, but actually calling someone that type of thing pretty much puts me into the category as well.
Eh. Whatever. I was pretty much labeled that (and plenty of other things) about two months ago. What goes around comes around, I guess.

There are no cute boys that are actually worth it in any of my classes. Sad.

I have a new obsession with Hydroxycut. Except Melanie thought I was buying a pregnancy test. Hahahahahahaahaha. If only she knew how incredibly WRONG she was.

Everyone likes my haircut.
Well, my bang-cut.
*smiles*

I love working out with Ashley.

And now I get to spend an hour in therapy. I feel like I shouldn't even be going, really. Almost like I'm wasting her time.

This might be pathetic. But I don't care.

Speak, speak your mind.

You're always telling me I need to open mine.

And wait, wait your turn,

Then shut me out 'cause you've got nothing left to learn.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud.

So tell me what you love and say it loud.

Now here's the dose that you've been dishin' out.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

Oh, I'm wrong,

I'm wrong again.

But not because of where I stand, but where I've been.

And it burns, you know it burns like hell

To know there's nothing I can do but wish you well.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud,

So tell me what you love and say it loud.

I've been good enough to stay and hear you out,

But you're wrong.

You're never wrong.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud,

Yeah so tell me what you love and say it loud.

I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

For the longest time now I've avoided thinking and talking about the mess that makes me feel low. In a way I think I haven't had enough time to analyze and deal with everything. But now that I do I can't help but turn to my preconscience and start to think about those things again.

I mean it's kind of hard to not think, you know? I go to my psychologist every other week and talk about stuff with her, I tell my friends what's on my mind, and every freakin' thing just happens to remind me of the crap that makes me feel like, well, crap.

Especially one thing in particular.

Which is where the (above) song comes in. It came on my iPod as we were coming home from Greensboro (yeah, we actually went), and I hesitated to listen to it at first. But I let it play and did nothing but look out the window at the gray skies, wet highway, and snow-covered trees and listened to the lyrics.

And I had an epiphany.

I've heard this song a hundred times but I've never actually understood the meaning behind the words. But this time I did. It may sound stupid, but in my mind Mr. John Mayer was singing for me - as me. It's as if he dug into my unconscience and wrote this absolutely gorgeous song that perfectly describes my feelings because I couldn't put them into words myself.

Until today I was confused.

And I'm still confused. Only less.

Because it hurts. It hurt a lot, it still hurts, and it will probably always hurt to some extent. I've accepted that. However that hurt is slowly subsiding.

At the end of November I was miserable. I had a one-track mind. School had become pointless. I was moody and constantly tired due to a lack of sleep. I had a huge loss in appetite, and all I felt like doing was drinking and passing out. I denied every negative explanation that crossed my mind and tried to supress my negative emotions and keep "living."

Then came what I consider(ed) the worst night of my life. Then I had an emotional/mental break-down. For a week straight I came home from school and cried for hours on end. I couldn't help but beat myself up for what I had managed to do to myself and the one person that made me happier than anything else in the world.

Now, two months later, I realize that all the negativity I have experienced has ultimately helped me to mature. I've stopped placing all the blame on myself. I can comfortably say (or write) that it hurts, but I wasn't the only one in the wrong; that it's hard to accept the fact that I couldn't change that person's mind by apologizing over and over and over again and that I will never be able to change his feelings - but I've done all I can do, and if that's not enough, then oh well. It sucks knowing that all I can do now is be happy for that person, even if I'm not one of the reasons for his happiness. I can't keep making excuses for him or for myself. I've just got to accept it. Granted, that is so much easier said than done. But I've come this far, haven't I?

It's funny how easy it is to spill your heart out, and when you do that, you risk being completely heartbroken. And once you are heartbroken you can't help but still feel the way you did. Emotions like that don't just go away.

And I hate that. But I'm stronger because of it. I can honestly say that I want happiness for that person. I always have, and I always will, even if it means giving up my happiness.

Only, I'm finally starting to remember what it's like to be happy.

And that is probably the most amazing accomplishment I have ever known.

I haven't updated in forever.

• First semester is finally over. It's sad, though. I had the best teachers I've ever had ever. And my new classes suck.
• Smith described my Huck Finn paper as "brilliant" and "insightful." I was shocked. I thought it was crap. It is really nice to hear that about a piece of my writing, though. I really needed a self-esteem boost. But I think I failed his exam. Oh well.
• Ash and I have started "training" for the season. Super fun. I couldn't move earlier this week. But now I can, and I feel good about myself. We're so excited for softball. God. It really can't get here soon enough.
• Viral's party was fun. I got to see my Berto :). I missed him so much. I saw B-Rooney, too. We caught up. It was nice. Except then someone spilled something and I think her computer crashed. I don't know. Lindsey M. and I left after that.
• I've been a lot happier lately. For the most part, anyway. Hopefully it stays that way.
• Ashley cut my bangs. Me gusta.
• It better snow tomorrow. I was supposed to go to Greensboro and see my God-brother thing. If it doesn't do anything, I'll be pissed. Really, really pissed.
• I'm still confused about of a lot of stuff. That'll probably never end, though. I may as well accept it.
• Joseph and I are still married and in love. It's fantastic :).
• I can't wait til EOE. But I bet I'll get sick and lose my voice.
• I can't think of anything else to write.

Resolutions

1. Less bitchiness/irritability/judgementalness/etc.
2. Be happy
3. Get motivated
4. Lose weight. Get fast. Get stronger. Play second base like Pedroia only not.
5. Keep my GPA above a 4.0 - lose premature Senioritus.
6. VOLUNTEER HOURS
7. Spend more time con mi familia
8. Be friendlier towards people i don't know. Form new relationships. Strengethen old ones.
9. More water. Less diet coke.
10. Propose to Jon Scheyer.

Should be a fun year.
Happy 2008.