This might be pathetic. But I don't care.

Speak, speak your mind.

You're always telling me I need to open mine.

And wait, wait your turn,

Then shut me out 'cause you've got nothing left to learn.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud.

So tell me what you love and say it loud.

Now here's the dose that you've been dishin' out.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

Oh, I'm wrong,

I'm wrong again.

But not because of where I stand, but where I've been.

And it burns, you know it burns like hell

To know there's nothing I can do but wish you well.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud,

So tell me what you love and say it loud.

I've been good enough to stay and hear you out,

But you're wrong.

You're never wrong.

You say there's nothing wrong with being proud,

Yeah so tell me what you love and say it loud.

I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

If you're listening this is how much it hurts.

For the longest time now I've avoided thinking and talking about the mess that makes me feel low. In a way I think I haven't had enough time to analyze and deal with everything. But now that I do I can't help but turn to my preconscience and start to think about those things again.

I mean it's kind of hard to not think, you know? I go to my psychologist every other week and talk about stuff with her, I tell my friends what's on my mind, and every freakin' thing just happens to remind me of the crap that makes me feel like, well, crap.

Especially one thing in particular.

Which is where the (above) song comes in. It came on my iPod as we were coming home from Greensboro (yeah, we actually went), and I hesitated to listen to it at first. But I let it play and did nothing but look out the window at the gray skies, wet highway, and snow-covered trees and listened to the lyrics.

And I had an epiphany.

I've heard this song a hundred times but I've never actually understood the meaning behind the words. But this time I did. It may sound stupid, but in my mind Mr. John Mayer was singing for me - as me. It's as if he dug into my unconscience and wrote this absolutely gorgeous song that perfectly describes my feelings because I couldn't put them into words myself.

Until today I was confused.

And I'm still confused. Only less.

Because it hurts. It hurt a lot, it still hurts, and it will probably always hurt to some extent. I've accepted that. However that hurt is slowly subsiding.

At the end of November I was miserable. I had a one-track mind. School had become pointless. I was moody and constantly tired due to a lack of sleep. I had a huge loss in appetite, and all I felt like doing was drinking and passing out. I denied every negative explanation that crossed my mind and tried to supress my negative emotions and keep "living."

Then came what I consider(ed) the worst night of my life. Then I had an emotional/mental break-down. For a week straight I came home from school and cried for hours on end. I couldn't help but beat myself up for what I had managed to do to myself and the one person that made me happier than anything else in the world.

Now, two months later, I realize that all the negativity I have experienced has ultimately helped me to mature. I've stopped placing all the blame on myself. I can comfortably say (or write) that it hurts, but I wasn't the only one in the wrong; that it's hard to accept the fact that I couldn't change that person's mind by apologizing over and over and over again and that I will never be able to change his feelings - but I've done all I can do, and if that's not enough, then oh well. It sucks knowing that all I can do now is be happy for that person, even if I'm not one of the reasons for his happiness. I can't keep making excuses for him or for myself. I've just got to accept it. Granted, that is so much easier said than done. But I've come this far, haven't I?

It's funny how easy it is to spill your heart out, and when you do that, you risk being completely heartbroken. And once you are heartbroken you can't help but still feel the way you did. Emotions like that don't just go away.

And I hate that. But I'm stronger because of it. I can honestly say that I want happiness for that person. I always have, and I always will, even if it means giving up my happiness.

Only, I'm finally starting to remember what it's like to be happy.

And that is probably the most amazing accomplishment I have ever known.