Is it really Christmas Eve?
I find that really hard to believe.
As a child I would count the days until Christmas Eve. Other than my birthday, it was probably the most anticipated day of the year. We usually went to my grandma's house for dinner. Then I remember making sure everything was perfect for Santa - enough cookies, stockings were in the right spot, etc. My brother and I would get to open one present before going to bed, and then we would pretend to go to sleep. I was too anxious for the next morning. Christmas Eve had its own aura.

I have yet to feel that aura. Maybe it's because I'm older and realize that it is just another day except we get stuff, or maybe it's due to the trillion different stresses I've had to think about and deal with.

It's kind of like that song, Where Are You Christmas? that the little girl sings in the Grinch movie. I never understood what she meant by that until right now.

Merry Christmas.

I've come to realize that instead of labeling a day as "bad" by taking a single event (or series of events) and contributing it (or them) to a day from hell, I have resorted to the opposite - a day is considered "good" when a good event (or series of events) occurs. Ergo, 99.9% of all days now are not good days. They are "Eh" days.

Ex. Mom: "How was your day?"
Me: "Eh."

More later maybe.

I cannot get excited for Christmas.
I cannot do satire.
I cannot read and comprehend Twain.
I cannot feel any emotion other than tired (and that is not an emotion, technically, so it's not like it actually counts).
Wadafxup.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt.

I looked up the definition for "heart-broken" on Google and got this: Full of sorrow.

Well, okay. I guess I can officially be described as heart-broken.
But that definition fails to mention everything else.
Full of regret.
Full of dismay.
Full of doubt.
Full of confusion.
Full of unfocused-ness.
Full of tears.
Full of irritation.
Full of fear.
Full of unsatisfaction.
Just plain Full of it.

I messed up. Big time. I am miserable and I am probably going to be miserable forever, and I am the only one to blame. That hurts. I'm not sure what was meant by a lot that was said. That hurts, too. But knowing that, no matter what I do or say, things probably won't change, or they will change for the worst - that hurts the most.

For the most part, I did pretty well at keeping my mind off of everything today. But every time it crossed my mind, a huge pang of some uncomfortable and horrible feeling jolted my body. It feels almost like butterflies and a huge lump in my throat, but my body temperature drops. And the only word I can label it as is "pain."

I can't eat - I've dropped three or four pounds since Monday night. I can't sleep. I cannot focus on anything but this - how it happened, how I could maybe fix the situation, figuring out the context of what was said.

And it's all my fault.
That kills me.
The way that sentence was phrased.
That kills me.
I almost believe that it wasn't meant 100 percent.
But I am probably just kidding myself.
That kills me.
I've apologized. Begged. It almost seems desperate. And knowing that it probably didn't make a difference - that kills me most.

So much was left unsaid - at least I think there was.
I can't imagine myself without, well, him. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. My thoughts are so jumbled that I can barely put them on here.

And the sad part? I'm hopeful that it will work out in the end. I truly believe in it. I meant what I said. Hopefully he realizes that and doesn't disregard it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Thanksgiving

I have forgotten to take time and reflect on the "actual" meaning of Thanksgiving due to everything I have been so preoccupied with.

• First of all, I am thankful for the family I have. In a lot of ways I really don't deserve the patience and love that they've given me the past 16 and a half years of my life. Last night was a good example as to how I can go to them for absolutely anything and know that they won't shoot me down or change their perception of me. They do so much for me, and for that I am truly grateful.
• Secondly, I am thankful for the friendships I've made - especially the one I share with the best friend I've had for sixish years. I know that I can go to her for anything at any time, and hopefully she knows that goes the same for her. She means so much to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't met her in middle school.
• I am thankful for the country I live in and the freedoms I have.
• I am thankful for the free education I get five days a week and the amazing teachers that educate me.
• I am thankful for God. Granted, I'm definately not the most religious person ever, but it's nice to know I have someone to turn to when things get really really bad.
• I am thankful to be alive and healthy.
• I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food in our refrigerator, and the clean water that comes out of the faucet.
• And I am thankful for the one person that drives me crazy. I like knowing I have the emotional capacity for feeling this strongly about someone. It terrifies me, but caring for a person this much is a pretty amazing feeling, whether or not they feel the same way. (God I'm stupid.)
• Oh, and Jospeh. I am thankful for him too.

I don't get it.

Karma is a bitch.


I get it, Karma. Stop making me miserable. I'm sorry for the things I've done in the past, and I promise I won't make the same mistakes again. I've learned my lesson. Just stop it.

My father thinks I am becoming anorexic.
It's ridiculous. If there is an anti-anorexic entity of some kind out there, like the Anti-Christ, I am it. I have lost weight since school started, and I like it that way. And I'm going to continue to keep it that way. But I am not anorexic, and I'm pretty sure I'm not falling into the deep, dark, death-trap that is anorexia.
He should be happy about my weight-loss. After continually pressuring me into losing weight so that I can be faster this season, I finally will be.

I give up.



Ehh that's a lie.

Guess what.

I AM GOING TO SEE UNC'S ACHORDANTS IN AN HOUURRR :)
With Cat, which makes it even better.

And Sirens is gonna be really good in the show tomorrow. I can taste it.

And Esther and I saw these two white guys beat the crap out of each other in the Cook Out parking lot about half an hour ago. Yeah. They ran out of two really nice cars and jumped on each other and started rolling on the ground. We just kind of sat there and watched and ate chicken tenders and didn't really say much. Then we rolled down the window, and this girl who was probably the reason for the fight was trying to stop these huge white guys from fighting. They stopped, started again, and she screamed "FXCKING STOP!" I felt like I was watching the Durham version of the OC or something.

Fantastic experience.
One guy left the other guy's shirt in the middle of the road though.
Should've picked it up and taken it home.

I wish people would give me some kind of warning before they start hanging all over each other.
Ahem.
That kind of thing makes me wish I didn't have emotions.

Scratch that.

I am putting off the plan I devised in the previous blog.

Right now I need to remember that I am a strong person.
I don't deserve to be upset.
I do not deserve to put up with the shit I am getting on a daily basis.

I should be happy. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and how am I experiencing them?

Let's just say I kind of wish I wasn't.

Clever Title Goes Here.

I've decided that I am going to start having a new outlook on life and the situations I encounter.

1. Instead of dreading work, I am going to embrace the fact that I am learning the art of responsibility and becoming an adult in the process. I will take it hour for hour and be satisfied with what I've done once my shift is over. I will also look foward to what lies ahead of me once I am done working. Once I get off tonight at 8, for instance, I will take joy in knowing that I don't have to work until next Sunday.
2. I am going to try to have a good attitude towards everything. Actually reading each page of each chapter and taking notes for psych will possibly boost my 85 to maybe an 86. I will not say mean things behind about my educators for giving me an extra homework assignment that will further enlighten and help me in the long run. Getting a B is okay. Instead of putting myself down, I will take the SAT score that I get back in a few weeks and work to raise it so that I can get into Elon and become an English major. I will begin to understand that my parents do what they do for a reason and don't intentionally try to piss me off.
3. I will be more sympathetic and understanding. It's okay that he didn't call because he has other obligations and so do I. Maybe she is having a bad day and that is the reason she is being a bitch, so I'll just be nice. I will accept that everyone has issues and I will then be there to lend a helping hand. I will be more patient with the people I love, despite the fact that I expect more from them.
4. I will not be so quick to judge. Of course, I have become much better at this since middle school. But I will learn to love everyone for their strengths AND weaknesses. Etc.
5. Optimism will become part of my daily lifestyle. Instead of viewing the glass as half empty, it will now be half full.
6. I will cherish every moment with my parents and brother and strive to strengthen my relationship with them.
7. Talking down about someone does not make myself look or feel better.
8. My work ethic will go back to what it was first semester freshman year - really high. I will not procrastinate as much as I currently do.
9. My self-esteem will no longer be as low as it is. I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I am a strong young woman. I don't need to be told that I am beautiful to feel beautiful. I will work hard to improve at everything. I should make myself happy before trying to impress someone else. I will love my body, mind, and spirit for what they are and not what I want them to be.
10. Finally - everything happens for a reason. Plain and simple. I will not overanalyze every situation I am put in, therefore making me miserable. I will not let things get me down as much as I used to. I will just accept them and let them go. I will learn from my mistakes and live each day to its fullest potential.

I wish I could describe the plethora of emotions I have experienced lately.
But if I had to list them, I guess I would say that I'm overwhelmed, stressed, unsure, and mostly just confused (Granted I do have the occassional feel-good day, but that doesn't happen so much anymore. I feel like the other day was a fluke, especially since the "burden" that left me came back the very same night.).

I think confusion is one of the worst things someone can feel. It sucks to not know what's going on, to not know how or what to think, and especially to not know how or what someone else thinks.

Especially when one's emotional state depends on the intentions and feelings of another person.

Maybe I'm just stupid and think too much.
No, that's a definate thing.

And I wish I didn't complain as much as I do.

Maybe I'll write more later. I have to go submerge myself into the world of the working class.
Great.

Overanalyzing isn't always such a bad thing

I am in a fantastic mood. And the great thing? That wasn't sarcastic at all. I haven't felt this relieved and just plain good in SUCH a long time. I feel like some type of heavy burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and now i can finally breathe again or something. It's an amazing feeling. And the thing that sparked it? Cat and I being pure geniuses, that's what.

We had to analyze the deeper meaning of something today in English, like a fairy tale, so Cat and I decided to analyze Snow White. Here's what we came up with (as simply as i can put it):

• The seven dwarves are the seven deadly sins: Happy = Gluttony because he's fat. Grumpy = Wrath because he's angry all the time. Dopey = Greed because, in the movie, Dopey makes a huge ruckous when trying to leave the house by taking a lot of stuff with him. Remember? Bashful = Lust for obvious reasons. Doc = Pride because he's the oldest and stuff, and Sneezy = Envy because he was left over.
• Snow White = Jesus.
• Snow White's evil step mother witch thing = The Romans who kill Jesus. They were jealous of Jesus' power and everyone's affinity towards him, so they kill him. In the same sense, SW's step mom is jealous of her for the same reasons. So she kills her.
• SW living with the 7 dwarves represents Jesus living among sinners
• SW dies and is brought back by the Prince's kiss.
• Jesus is resurrected.
• Prince = God's love. SW didn't know the Prince loved her, yet it brought her back. God's love isn't necessarily known, but it is there (if you follow the Christian religion, as we do, which is why we're making that assumption), and God's love brought Jesus back to life(plus or minus a few things that I don't remember from Sunday School).
• Poison apple = Pontius Pilate.

It took us like half an hour to come up with this, but we had the most amazing epiphany and we now we're just kinda like "And what? Suck on that."

Plus it feels like heaven outside, I don't have that much homework, and my psych test on memory and thinking and language is over with forever! I'm listening to good music, and I just don't care about certain things right now. This is the kind of day that helps me remember why being alive is such a great thing. I probably sound like a Hallmark Card.

I don't care. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I will kill the person or thing that brings me down.

Possibly the only positive thing associated with UNC

Of course I am a little biased because I'm a big Duke person. But that is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard. And they're like 20 minutes up the road. I have to see them live.

Have to.

Ugh.

I like bullets now

• Daylight Savings Time always messes me up.
• I had a weird dream last night.
• Ron White makes me laugh.
• It's only 8:15. WHAT.
• I'm probably going to go to bed anyway.
• I love cold weather. I'm ready for New Years Eve.
• Because I realllllyyy wanna get wasted.
• Wait, what Lindsey?
• I'm excited for our 3 day weekend this coming weekend. I need to party.
• Our show is soon. Yikes.
• I've managed to have a one-track mind lately. My work ethic is slipping and I only care about one thing. Uh oh.
• We get report cards tomorrow. Uh oh.
• I can't get over the dream I had last night.
• Yeah I'm going to bed riiiight now

I just want to go to sleep and never have to get out of bed ever again.

• I'm hella nervous about taking the SAT tomorrow. Why? I'm not so sure. I'll probably end up taking it at least two more times. But I am freaking out, because that's what I do best.
• School is getting to be a bitch again. I have so much to do. So much is going on. I'm going to melt into a little puddle of stress before it's all over with.
• I'm on four different meds right now for bronchitis and mneumonia. All I want to do is sleep.
• I don't think I've touched a softball in 2 weeks.
• I'm getting bad vibes from him. It really scares me. I'm terrified of being let down again. I can't handle that right now - or at all anymore. But I'm too nervous to speak up and ask because I'll probably make things worse. I'm trying so hard and I'm not getting that back and I DON'T know what to do.
• I miss the way things used to be.
• Girls get on my nerves. I'm paranoid.
• I barely eat anymore.
• I need volunteer hours, but I have no time to get them.
• Our show is two weeks away.
• I honestly feel like I'm about to yank my hair out.
• I work too much on the weekends.
• I need reassuring that he still feels the same way, or that i should stop trying. I need to know what I'm going to get on the SAT. I need to get out of the 11th grade before I go insane. I need to not be sick anymore. I need to stop working and have time to myself.
• I feel like a selfish, stupid, bitchy person because my problems are no where near as bad as some people I know. I really don't have that much respect for myself anymore.

Baseball IS a Sport

It bothers the crap out of me when people actually work up enough of a nerve to say "Baseball is boring." That is an understandable and arguable opinion, however, and I can respect that much. What REALLY gives me the urge to smack someone's face off, though, is someone actually saying "Baseball is not a sport." How can someone seriously make that argument and support it well enough to prove themselves?
They can't. I'll elaborate when I have more time.

Sick Day

My mom came in my room last night around 10 o'clock and was like "You are not going to school tomorrow." It's funny - I've never really skipped school for the hell of it, and the reason i haven't stayed home earlier in the week is because of my schedule. I tried to tell her that missing one day of my three college-level courses would set me back, and she was all "I don't care. You're gonna get pneumonia and be out for three weeks." I went along with it. There really isn't any arguing you can do with her once she has made up her mind.

So I was on MySpace for about an hour. That basically sums up my sad and sorry existence.

Boston won Game 1 of the World Series last night 13 to 1. Jeff Francis (for Colorado) gave up a home run on the first pitch he threw. That really sucks. It's gonna be a boring series if every game ends up that way (Not that i'm complaining - i'd rather Boston win). A little intensity and competition would be nice, though.

My mom bought my brother some goldfish last year to bribe him into going to the dentist, or something. Ridiculous, right? Not as ridiculous as the fact that they are still alive. We've had them almost a year. I don't think the life expectancy for goldfish is that long. One, however, is in the process of dying, i think. It's turning black and its flesh is rotting away and it's swimming on it's side and going crazy. It's kind of really sad. I wonder if goldfish know they're dying. And i wonder if the one it lives with knows it's dying, too. What happens when it's all alone? It wont have someone to play with.

I think too much.

On another note: I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know if i've managed to do something to you that has changed the way you feel, but, if i have, it would make me feel a lot better if you mentioned it. It may just be me over analyzing everything, because i do that sometimes. You don't act the same anymore and it bothers me - a lot. I don't want to feel like I'm headed down a road that is going to dead-end into nothing, but i do. I've done that enough lately and I'm not sure that i am emotionally stable enough at this point to handle it again. So speak up. Please. I personally have problems doing that just because it's easier for me to write certain things out rather than actually saying them. But if there is something going on - let me know. I would rather fix it now than waste a bunch of time and energy later that I can't gain back.

I don't know anymore.

It rained yesterday.
There is a god somewhere.

RAIN!

Inside a Girl's Head: The Truth

I saw this as a bulletin on MySpace and wrote my response at the end of each. I have to say that I am proud of myself.



inside a girls head:

1. When you catch a girl glancing at you,she wants you to look back and {{smile}} =)

Or maybe you:
a. are doing something weird
b. have something nasty hanging off of you
c. or she is wondering why God made you so unfortunate-looking

2. When a girl bumps into your arm while walking with you, she wants you to hold her hand

Or maybe she can't walk straight.

3. When she wants a hug, She will just stand there

Or, maybe, just maybe, you said/did something stupid and she cannot fathom how ridiculous it was.

4. When you break a girls heartshe still feels it whenyou run into each other 3 years later :(

Maybe she has some type of disorder that cannot allow her to move the fuck on. In that case, she needs to get out more, or try resorting to the world where the completely hopeless go to look for love: the internet. Hopefully she won't fall in love with a rapist.

5. When a girl is quiet,millions of things are running through her mind

Like: Why do you bother talking? or Why do you exist?

6. When a girl is not arguing,she is thinking deeply

About how, despite your argument, you are STILL wrong and will always BE wrong.

7. When a girl looks at you with eyes full ofquestions,she is wondering *how long you will bearound???????*

Or "When will you leave me the fuck alone???????????"

8. When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after af ew seconds,she is {{NOT}} at all fine!!!!!!!!!!

Because chances are you fucked up. Again. Good job, Bud.

9. When a girl stares at you,SHE IS WONDERING WHY YOU ARE PLAYING GAMES.

Or, as mentioned earlier, why you are so unfortunate-looking.

10. When a girl lays her head on your chest,she is wishing for you to be hers FOREVER

Or maybe she's:
a. really tired
b. super drunk
c. super drunk

11. When a girl says she can't livewithout you,she has made up her mind that YOU are her future

Because she is under the impression that she NEEDS a man to make her happy. In that case, I would kick her to the curb. She doesn't deserve a "man" if she actually believes that.
Or maybe she's on drugs.

12. When a girl says, "I miss you,"no one in this world can miss you more than that

Or maybe she's under the influence.

13. When a girl is mean to you after a break-up she wants you back, but shes scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever

Or maybe she just doesnt like you.

Guy Facts:
1. When a guy calls you,he wants to be with you

Wrong. Very wrong.

2. When a guy is quiet, He's listening to you.

And probably thinking about how he wants to get in your pants.

3. When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he's wrong

Or he's too simple-minded to come up with a rebuttal.

4. When a guy says, "I'm fine." after a fewminutes He means it

Because he is not capable of feeling any emotion other than horny.

5. When a guy stares at you,he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do

Or maybe you're just gross.

6. When your laying your head on a guy's chest, He has the world

World = the ability to go to his friends and embellish the story to the point where you, apparently, did something COMPLETELY unrelated.

7. When a guy calls/texts/comments you everyday, He is in love

Or he wants a blow job.

8. When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, He means it

Wrong. VERY wrong.

9.When a guy says he can't live without you,He's with you till you're done

And then he'll move on to someone else in about half an hour.

10.When a guy says, "I miss you," He misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

Because he is on drugs.

Repost this in 10 minutes and your truelove will call you
He's probably too busy doing something else. Cough.

Toddler Molestation

First things first: I'm losing my voice and it sucks.

On to topic:
As i laid in bed last night watching TV, coughing my lungs out, and wishing i could fall asleep, i flipped the channel to 41, where Nancy Grace was ranting about something (again). I stopped, however, when the subject she was ranting about caught my attention - some sick-nasty, selfish, creep had turned himself in for sexually assaulting a girl less than three years old and video taping it. It's not like hearing about this type of thing is surprising, but a toddler? Is that even REMOTELY understandable? No. It's not. First of all, no one should sexually assault and abuse anyone. But come on. She was two and a half years old. Why would someone find that desirable? And then VIDEOTAPING it? I guess he wanted to show his friends how capable he was of getting such a hot piece of ass.
But seriously. It's awful. There's no telling what kind of affect that will have on that little girl when she's old enough to understand what he did to her. I can't imagine myself fathoming a piece of information like that. And, apparently, this guy was running from the cops and got pulled over for a DRIVING infraction, and confessed: "I'm tired of running from you," and vomited.

It's amazing to me. I watch the news every morning when i wake up and get ready for school. I've come to notice that there is never anything positive, either (unless you count the stories on who might win Dancing With the Stars).

Not to mention how desperately we need rain. My God. I hope no one decides to roast marshmallows outside and then drops one on the ground after setting it ablaze.
Pray for rain. Or, if you don't associate yourself with any type of religion, pretend you're a Native American and do some type of rain dance.

I think a more appropriate title for this blog would have been something involving the words "corrupt" and "society" and "we live in". Or something.

I'm now going to escape reality and enter my utopia: the world of softball. Nothing to worry about but you and the ball. It's fabulous

Go Boston!

Longing

Longing is a weird feeling.

The longing to talk to someone, see someone, or be with someone, for instance, is, to me, almost an out-of-body experience. It's natural to desire something, but only when you realize how much you long for it does it hit you how bizarre of an emotion it actually is.

It's almost as if you crave it. And until that craving is satisfied, it won't go away and usually gets progressively worse. Then other emotions get involved, like sadness and/or fear that that craving won't be satisfied.

I probably sound really desperate. That's not my intention - I promise. I'm just making an observation.

Random thoughts.

Hmm.
I should be at work right now, but i think having a temperature of almost 101 is enough of a reason to not go in.

Also, I can't help but feel like I've messed something up, somehow. It's one of those gut feelings, you know?

Our football team actually won a game the other night.

Now i get to go write an essay.

Peace.

Venting.

Don't read this if you hate complaining and have something bad to say. I dont care. I made this blog for my benefit and not yours.


If it were possible to punch someone in the face at school and not get in trouble for it, I probably would've spent the second half of my day focused on taking every bit of the anger i have built up inside of me right now on one person. And, based on the way i currently feel, that person would have gotten messed the fuck up. The beginning of my day was actually okay, but within, literally, 5 minutes, it went straight to hell in a fast car. I dont even know what happened. Well, i do. And it's stupid. But i dont care. I get pissed off extremely easily, and this one person managed to do a PERFECT job of ruining the rest of my day.

I honeslty don't even know why this one person dislikes me so much (if they do. I get that vibe from them so that's what I'm assuming. End of story). He or she has no reason to. If that person comes to me with a valid reason as to why i deserve the shit i usually get (and that probably WONT happen), maybe ill consider working things out and apologizing or something. But until then, i'm just going to be a bitch back. Maybe that makes me immature, dramatic, and whatever other adjectives you can find that descrive my horrible personality, but i dont give a shit. You don't talk to me in a way that implies you are better than me and that i am wrong and expect me to accept it. No. It doesn't work that way. Sorry. Grow up. And even if i'm wrong and this person DOENST dislike me, he or she still needs to work on the way people percieve him or her. That way, people dont make assumptions and get pissed off and feel like smacking a hoe.

I'll be the first to admit that this is probably some sort of jealously talking, but this person really doesn't need to act like he or she is all that and a bag of chips and disregard mine or anyone else's feelings. If they continue to be as self-centered and snobby as they are, they will probably have a hard time finding friends that actually care.

I'd like to write about the rest of why i'm frustrated, and irritated, and upset, but i can't. I get to go spend 6 hours dealing with people. Exactly what i need.

How I Contributed to the "Women Can't Drive" Stereotype

I went to Tara's house to see her because she's been out of school for a week. It was fun, but then it came time for me to leave. I got in my car, and started backing up. Her driveway is narrow and dark, and I can't back up for crap. Needless to say, I turned left too early and wound up in a ditch. It was awful. The grass is ruined (not that it really matters, since we have like 4 days left of water and Durham will probably become the next Dust Bowl), her step-dad looked SO annoyed, and I am thoroughly humiliated.
Karma probably had something to do with this experience, or it could be God's way of telling me I am a bad person and I need to chill out. Either way, I'm using this as a learning experience. I have been enlightened, and I'm going to be a better person from now on. Also, for the sake of my car, myself, and other people's yards, I am NEVER backing out of a long driveway ever again.

I love this feeling.
I hope it never goes away.

:) :) :) :) :) :)

EDIT 1:
I think I actually might get a decent score on the PSAT. But there was one question on one of the reading sections where four of the word choices were completely unfamiliar to me. I actually wrote "Are these even part of the English language?" beside them. Forreal though. What in the world is a zealot? It sounds like a big department store.

We played Oregon Trail in English today. We kicked ass.
It was crazy. Those types of games drive me insane with the intensity level. That's why i can't play them. I get scared, freak out, and close the window. Bahaha.

Tomorrow's gonna be a sweatpants day, I've decided, since i have to take the PSAT for the second time. Ahhh. Fabulous. I guess it'll be good practice for the actual SAT that i'm taking in November (yikes), but i reallllllyyy don't want to.
:(.

I wish i didnt over analyze and worry about everything all the time. I already stress out really easily, and that just makes it worse.

There i go again.

akjdlsdhfsajdfhsaf.

Jimmy did the funniest thing at lunch today. I almost started crying from laughing from hard. If i could imitate what he did via internet, i totally would. But it's not possible.

Why is it still hot?

Seriously. It's the middle of October and the weather man on wral.com is calling for 80+ degree weather all week. I'm tired of it. I like cold weather. Not hot. I'm moving up north as soon as i get the chance.

I take that back. But i wish it would be cooler.

I'm not ready to go back to school. Something about it being a regular, not exciting week doesn't motivate me to get up at 5;45 in the morning and leave the house. Blahhhhh.

Today was okay.
The Homecoming Game and the chorus tailgating shit kind of sucked a lot.
...

Edit 1 - Adding on to last night:
I hate it when people act weird and awkward and either ignore you or try to aviod you and stuff. Maybe i'm paranoid. But it kind of ruined my entire junior homecoming experience because that's the vibe i got the entire time.
Whatever.
Aggghhh. I'm so frustrated with this. I can't write about it. It might get me in trouble with someone i really care about. I don't want that.

10/13/07
I hit a homerun this morning in our first game. Yay. I was, surprisingly, really good at the plate today. Then i went out with Savannah and Joseph. Then i saw the All County performance at Southern. One song made me cry. It was amazing. The song was called "Even When God is Silent," and it was actually a poem written on the walls of a basement by a Jewish person hiding from the Gestapo in Germany. Here's the peom:

I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining. I believe in love even when I do not feel it. I believe in Godeven when he is silent.

I think the second line can be translated a few ways, because it's not the same on any version i've seen.

Now i need to go do homework. I get to work from 12 to 8 tomorrow!

I'll probably go insane.

For a while now i was beginning to think that i have stopped being such a jealous person. Something tells me, however, that i was wrong. My jealous habits aren't nearly as bad as they used to be, but i was obviously wrong to think that they were gone for good. Maybe it's because i havent had a reason to be in a long ass time. I hate jealousy, though. I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel petty and, a lot of the time, hypocritical. It bugs me. Me being ridiculously indecisive also worsens things. I'm not sure where i was going with that. But I guess its human nature to be jealous sometimes. I wish it wasn't, though. I get worked up over the stupidiest things and my temper sucks. Like right now, i shouldnt even feel jealous, but i do. I'm dumb.

And, as i learned last night, someone started a pretty stupid rumor about me. That's never happened to me, and it sucks. Boys take situations and escalate them into shit that never happened, and then they make other people look bad in order to make look themselves look better than they actually are. You know, it's not even worth it. The person i'm talking about is a complete douchebag and, honestly, i don't think i would feel that bad if he drove his car into a ditch or something. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but he is too. So it evens out.

On the other hand, i have managed to bring my AP Pyschology grade up to a B.
And i actually get to play some softball tonight.
I've learned that the good always overrides the bad.

World to end in 2012?

Yesterday was stressful and long. If i were a smoker, i probably would have gone through like six packs during the eight hour span that i worked. The hour and a half after work, however, was absolutely amazing. I could have stayed in that moment for the rest of my life.

I also learned yesterday that, in 2012, we're all pretty much screwed. The Chinese and some other calander stop with that year, and there is some huge meteor thing that's planning on blowing us up, or something. It's probably complete bullshit, especially considering the world was supposed to end like seven other times, but i can't help but wonder if it actually might happen. I'm really superstitious and paranoid about that type of thing, and i'd prefer the world not to blow up a year before i'm supposed to graduate college. I dont know though. I thought it was kind of interesting. Sorry, i'm a dork.

Spirit week has officially started! Today was team day. Emma took some crazy yearbook pictures of us kickass Duke fans at lunch. It was actually kind of awkward. It was me, Tempe, and Chelsea Jacobs, some freshman girl that i think might live in my neighborhood, and some black guys, pretending to cheer. I think i hit tempe in the face. Ashley wants me, her, and savannah to dress up as gothic vampires or something for twin day tomorrow. She's on crack. Carmen said she was gonna be Jesus for Celeb. Day. I hope she does. I borrowed Landon's carolina shit, i mean shirt, for Wacky Tacky Day. I love this week so much.

Mr. Pavlites showed me his paintings today. He's really good. He was like "I am embarrassed to show them." God i love that man. Will Tucker said he was in the Mafia. He probably is, but that's okay. He's still the best substitute teacher i've ever had.

I need to go make a cheat-sheet for FFUSH. It probably won't help me pass the test tomorrow, though. Then i think i'm going to the hospital to see Och. They put her in there over the weekend, i think. This situation is getting worse. It really sucks. I talked to her on the phone Saturday morning and started crying. I don't know how i'm going to handle actually SEEING her.

<33

I possibly saw the most attactive member of the male species this morning.

Duke lost.
Carolina won.
I don't care about State.
It is apparent that Triangle ACC Football did not have a very good weekend.
Carolina got lucky. That is all that needs to be said about that one.

I got off work an hour early. There's $6.50 that won't be on my next paycheck, but i don't care. I work from 12 to 8 tomorrow. That is a long time. But if I can get through it, I won't have to work til next Sunday.
:) Hooray.

I went to breakfast with Tara and her mommy this morning. While we were there, I saw the most gorgeous male EVER. He had curly blond hair, amazing blue eyes, and dimples when he smiled. Mmm he was yummy. I've decided I'm going there more often.
Man. He was pretty. I looked like an idiot, though. I pulled into the parking lot and he was outside talking on the phone and i had to stop by him. He looked at me. I looked at him. We had a moment. Then i had to turn left, so i did. There weren't any parking spots though, so i circled around to where he was again, and he looked at me kind of weird, and Poof. the moment was gone. He brought me my food, too. I should've asked for him in a to-go bag. Maybe next time.
I wonder how old he is.

I think i need to go lay down and prepare myself for an eight hour work day. If i'm lucky ill dream about my super-fine future husband and father of my babies.
<33

I exaggerate too much. Work was actually pretty fun.

I don't want to go to work this afternoon. But if I can get through this weekend I'm good to go. It's just gonna be so boring and long and I'm gonna have to deal with people i DON'T want to deal with.
Oh well.

So I am currently sitting, eating carrots, and watching the episode of Full House where DJ is accused of being a bad kisser and Danny is scared that she doesn't need him anymore. I don't understand it. I've seen every episode at least six times and it's such a stupid show, yet I can't get enough of it. Maybe it's just me. John Stamos is pretty hot though. I'd do him in a hot minute.

I love spirit week. I can't wait to dress up and laugh at people. I hope Norman and Smith participate and show their school spirit. It would make my life.

I need to go get ready for the hell that i call "work."
...
peace.

Today was okay. We looked at these really cool optical illusions in psych; I've never laughed so hard in my life.
Well that was a lie. But you should go look at them: http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/
There's this really cool spiarly spinny black and white one and when you stare at it for a while and then look away, everything gets all distorted and it feels like you're on drugs (not that i would know, or anything). That's what made me laugh so hard.
:)

So apparently my great aunt, who i call Och, isn't getting any better. She's falling on a daily basis and still can't remember anything. She had an MRA (or something) today. My mom started crying when she got off the phone and asked me if I had any funeral clothes (reassuring, i know). I dunno. It's hard to watch my mom cry, and it is really sad and I feel awful because I havent seen my Och in over two weeks and i really dont want to see her in the condition she's in now. But she's 90 years old, and i guess in a way i was almost expecting it.
Does that make me a bad person? Because i feel like one.

But tomorrow is Friday.
and i have to work.
But i get to sleep in for once on Saturday.
But then i have to work.
But next week is Spirit Week! and i get Homecoming Weekend off.
:)

I managed to read almost 60 pages of my psych textbook in two hours. AND i understand it.
Wam, bam, thank you ma'am.
So I'm going to bed earlyyyyyy unless somebody calls. In that case i'll probably stay up til 11:30.

<33

Hmm.

This is the third time I've tried to start one of these. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it going, this time.



I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally - you name it.



1. School is overwhelming. Two AP classes, a Fast Foward class, and chorus are going to run me into the ground. I honestly probably won't get into any of the schools I'm looking at because my grades this semester are going to SUCK. I'm beginning to realize that i know NOTHING, i can't write like i thought i could, and i'm not good enough at anything to go into any fields that im interested in.

2. Softball is stressful. Not that we're practicing everyday or our actual season has even started, but moving me to second base or keeping me at first and Amanda behind the plate might mean the difference between a Conference title and third place. Again.

3. Work sucks. I miss Leonard. I hope he's enjoying Alabama.

4. Boys ruin my life. But nothing more is expected from them. End of story.

5. My great aunt is going insane. Apparently she had a stroke and can't remember anything, not to mention she's falling more and she's almost 90. I dunno. Maybe it's selfish but I dont want to have to see her that way.



I hate complaining, and I'm definitely aware that I dont have it bad at all. But venting helps, and I'd rather vent on here than burden someone.

I need a better self-esteem, i think. I think too much, overanalyze EVERYTHING, and put too much pressure on myself (I'm not the only one though. My parents are guilty of it, too).



Oh well.

I'm going to practice.
Much love.